8 Feb 2011

Stop The World, I Want To Get Off

My life has been filled with a few more traumas than your average 28 year old but the last few days have really made me question my sanity and made me ask the questions "Will it ever stop?"  and "What did we do to deserve this?"  Those of  you who are personal friends will know that this is not like me at all, in fact it is so far away from the person that I am but the events of the last few days have rocked me to my core and I'm honestly not sure if I will ever be the same again. 

I'm resilient and usually manage to keep calm and carry on in the worst of situations, but this is the worst thing I have ever experienced as a person, mother and an almost wife.  You see throughout my life, I have come to accept that sometimes bad things happen for no rhyme or reason and you come out the other side.  Sometimes you come up smelling of roses, sometimes you don't. Either way I have found that you are emerging as not only a stronger person, but a better person.  This time however I feel that I might come out a broken person.  I feel more broken right now than I ever thought was possible for me and my one little feeling which is currently in the process of being destroyed and leaving me an actual heartless ice queen.  I'm fighting to try and stop it but I just can't cope with the severity of the situation. My mind cannot process what is going on and I'm not sure that I want it to.  All I can tell you is it's very raw, and sadly, it's very real.

It's my job to protect my family and I feel like I have let one member of it down so badly, I know that I haven't but it doesn't stop me feeling as though I could have/should have prevented this from happening.  I keep asking myself why did I not see this coming.  I don't think even I could have seen this coming. None of us did.  

I just feel sick and I haven't eaten since Saturday teatime and I can't decide if  it's because I feel so dreadful that I can't eat or I won't eat as some last resort measure to try and stay in control. As someone who is recovering from an eating disorder (I say recovering as you never really recover it just subsides) I really don't want to be readmitted to the clinic as it would be such a step back for me and I haven't been there in a very, very long time.  I just can't see a way to control what is happening around me and I am so powerless to do anything about it.  There are things that I want to do but I can't and that is the worst part.

I know I am being vague but I really don't want to go into detail but I'm just trying to get my head together, I feel like I am failing miserably.  Words can't express how I am feeling, in fact I don't think there are the words to describe how and what we are all feeling right now.  I just want to scream but it won't come out of my mouth. I can't hold back the tears anymore. I wish I could make all of this go away but someone took away my magic wand and replaced it with a twig.  The magic is gone. I suppose at least I still have an ounce of humour left in me.  That's the only thing I am grateful for right now.  My hands are tied, so is my stomach and I'd not wish this on anyone, and trust me there are a few people who have crossed my path that deserve bad things (if you're reading this then you know who you are), but no-one deserves this.

Some people say it's mind over matter, but seriously, what do you do if the matter is something you never imagined in a billion years and suddenly your mind seems incapable of processing it all.  I could list loads of meaningless words for emotions but none of them even come close, I could shout and scream til the morning but I would lose my voice and it would not change the fact that we still need to deal with it.  I may seem like an ice queen but it's just my way of trying to cope.  Even then, I'm sure I'm not doing a very good job at that anymore.  

All I have to ask is can someone please stop the world? 

I want to get off.

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